Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
