moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
