Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Randomize
