1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
