some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
