she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
