He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
