It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
