Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
