Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
