my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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