Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
