i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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