Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
