Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
