awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Randomize
