You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
