I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
