I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
