I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
