so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
