i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
