i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
