You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
The ass gains better be worth it
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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