Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
