i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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