he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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