the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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