if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Randomize
