When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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