i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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