i was born a porn star she said
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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