Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
are you so shy because you have an std?
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
