hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
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