I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
im six kinds of drunk right now
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Randomize
