Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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