i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
