I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize
