You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
