connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
