dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Is it because I queefed?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I am available for nakedness
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
