Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
