I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
