I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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