my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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