He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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