and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Randomize
