farters have to be the big spoon...
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
