My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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