i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
