Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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