he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
