she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
