I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Ketchup is God's man juice
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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