Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
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